The Loner………..

Let’s talk about it. I'm such a loner. But it's a trauma response. At an early age I got use to being let down. So I started staying to myself and never asking for anything. Like I love having friends and people I can count on. But I'm also perfectly fine with being by myself.

I remember at a young age being taken from my parents. And I use to go on visits with my mom before she officially went to jail. And she kept promising me when it was all over she’d come and get me. Andnyears later when it was all over she never came. Grant it that was Gods protection. But at the time I did t understand that. And I remembered what she put me through (which is not why she went to jail). But at that time I really just wanted my mom. But then I started realizing my mom almost never showed up for me. Well at least not how I wanted her to. She showed up how her mom showed up for her. Because that's what she knew.

My dad showed up here and there. But only for the “big things”. The things he could not miss without being ridiculed from his siblings. But the moments I needed him most he never showed up. When I felt my felt heart break I couldn't call him. And to know me is to know I've always longed to be a daddys girl. And never got that. Not even with my uncle who raised me. He loved my sister and resented me. But yeah! So both of my parents continually let me down.

Wheewwww now lets talk about the friends I use to have. I will never forget planning a big dinner for my 18th birthday. For nobody but one person to show up. Then I knew I never wanted to celebrate my birthdays again. Because I was always showing up for people just to be let down. So I figured be alone was soooo much better. Now grant it the friends I have now are top tier.

Last but not least. I grew up fighting trauma in silence. The trauma I experienced I had to silently deal with it. Where I was physically saved somewhat I was still mentally drowning. I couldn't talk about what I had experienced. And I don't fault my aunt she was fighting her own stuff. And could only help me with how she knew. And that was to sweep it under the rug. But for me I couldn't sweep it under the rug it was eating me alive. To the point I physically got sick. That even know I'm learning how to let people actually be there for me. Because when life is crumbling I pull away and shut completely down. But I'm daily working on it. But to me I've dealt with life by myself so long that its safe to deal with it alone. But at the same time its not all that safe. If you really know me then you know why.

But for years I have been such a loner. So much so that I really like being in my room and not being bothered. Like I don't have to be in the crowds or anything. I'm really a trauma forced introvert. Because I feel safest alone. Because as a kid when the crowd came every weekend I was raped. I'll do another blog on that.