Becoming HER.......

PART 1

In order to become HER, I had to make the decision to learn me without the trauma. Like I know I cant live basing everything off of trauma anymore. I have been having to seperate me from the trauma to learn myself. Its been hard because I have been in flight or fight mode since I was about 4 years old.

Like for example growing up I wasn't allowed to really talk about my feelings. So as an adult I find it really hard to actually talk about what I feel at times. And I have learned that I can mess up a friendship. So Its something I am working on getting better at.

I also suckkkkkkk at being vulnerable at times. Like if I'm really in a storm I tend to pull back a little. Because one time I was completely vunerable with someone and got ignored. So ever since then I have a really hard time with it. And again with that I find myself sabotaging relationships and friendships. So I am working ever so hard on this vunerablity thing. And also learning that my vunerability is not for everyone. But that there are safe people in my life that I can be vunerable with.

Another thing I have learned in this process is SETTING boundaries. I have learned that it is okay to have a big loving heart, but there has to be boundaries. I will never forget the day my best friend told me I lacked boundaries. It hurt my feelings a little bit. But I completely understood what she meant. And I stop setting boundaries years ago. Because I have a auntie that never respects them. I also had this other person who acted like boundaries was a curse word. But now I know how to change that. And how to do it in a loving manner now. And lately I've set boundaries and lost a few people.

Which brings me to the next point I have learned that I am really full of love. And I actually love people. So now I am learning to embrace that. I have sooooo much love to give. I use to shy away from love. Because I love hard. And I always get hurt when I give a lot of love. But I'm learning to love with boundaries.

And to end this I am currently working on NOT shutting down when life seems tough. Because I tend to shutdown and pull away without even noticing. I never noticed how bad it was until this year really. And I know the shutting down and isolating comes from not being vunerable.

So with learning all of these things it helps me become HER. And learn who Aisa is !!!!