Healing the little girl ………

For a really long time I did not think my mother loved me. Because how could she possibly love me and allow me to endure what she did. There was no way she loved me and stood there and watched the act. I was just convinced that she really hated my guts. But that when I learned perspective while healing. I had to change my perspective to really understand her. I now get that she allowed all of that to happen to me because its all she knew. It does make what she did right, but I understand it in a different way now. She once told me of the time it happened to her and she told her mom to act like she was going to work and come back and look in the window. And her mom did just that and saw what was happening. Im not sure what happened after that, because I mentally checked out. Because unhealed me was angry and triggered. Because why on Gods green earth would you let it happen to me on purpose. But later in life I took the time to understand the root of the issue. She only did what she knew and she let it happen. Im truly convinced that in her mind at the time it was right. And she was also heavily on drugs. So now I see it totally different. And it allowed me to forgive her and heal the little girl in me. But now I see that she loved me all along. It was just tainted because, she wasnt properly taught what love was. So she loved me in the way that she knew love to be. So our relationship has been super rocky to be very honest. I havent spoken to her in 2 almost 3 years. And before that i was no contact with her for 6 years. And I broke that no contact because I was ANGRY! And completely unhealed and not even willing to heal. I let my anger get the best of me in that moment. I honestly think I was more offended than angry. But then when I realised I was letting it control me too much I had to give it to God and let Him lead me. And I still didn't allow God to do that until this year. But now that I understand that she actually do love me and it changes sooooo much for me. And it also grieves my heart to know she did have anyone to save or help her. Because nobody deserves to be raped, or beat. And I really pray that one day she heals. It's never too late to heal. And if I am the vessel God wants to use to help her heal, I am now okay with that.

SN: Mom if you ever see this I forgive you. And I understand you now. I don't have hate in my heart towards you anymore. And I pray that God heals you ! I love you and so does God. You are not too far gone for Him to save you !

Signed,

The Healing Little Girl